Hannibal Lecter’s Whore, Blog of

if i want god to laugh, then the most effective way is to tell him that, finally, I AM IN LOVE.

it seems funny though, that i am ‘terribly’ in love with myself. this, i think, happens when paranoia is living inside you, that though you seek for someone, you ended up having only yourself. pitiful. pathetic. yet, is there any other resort?

someday, there will be. then, i would stop loving myself for somebody (i know) could do that way better than me.

I want somebody to share…share the rest of my life..share my innermost thoughts..know my intimate details…

Someone who’ll stand by my side, and give me support..and in return return, he’ll get my support..

He will listen to me when i want to speak about the world we live in, and life in general. Though my views may be wrong; they may even be perverted. He’ll hear me out, and won’t easily be converted to my way of thinking. In fact, he’ll often disagree. But at the end of it all, he will understand me..

I want somebody who cares for me passionately — with every thought and with every breath…

Someone who’ll help me see things in a different light… All the things I detest, I will almost like..

I don’t want to be tied to anyon’es  strings.. I’m carefully trying to steer clear of those things…

But when I’m asleep, I want somebody who will put around his arms around me and kiss me tenderly… Though things like this make me sick. In a case like this, I’ll get away with it…

What i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who i need is soembody who will eat up my time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

But then, WHO would that be? Could there be someone out there who is even more willing to share such addiction with me?

There are really times that you feel all alone and you clamour for someone who would think rational even if you’re being ridiculous. Someone who talks sense…someone who would never think that you look like shit because of that stupid black-rimmed glasses. Somebody who would think that even if you’re four-eyed, you’re still beautiful.

But then who would that be?

The feeling seems like you’re being trapped inside a lovely shell — you are contented with the li’l things you own, yet you know deep inside that you still want SOMETHING, or maybe, just maybe, SOMEONE. Since it is a lovely shell, you are afraid to get out of it and explore. You get frustrated yet you can’t do anything with your own frustrations. Then later on, these frustrations eat you up. They OWN you.

I hope i could find someone unknowable. Maybe that person is in a place that is not in a map. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank.

Being alone inside this lovely yet dark shell makes me feel a worthless piece of vermin. I hope somebody would get me out of here. Yes, i am afraid to be hurt and leave this lovely yet suffocating shell.

Can you get me out of here, anyone? Besides, i don’t want to die without a few scars.