Hannibal Lecter’s Whore, Blog of

STUPIDITY. i hate it more than anything else. yet i just realized that i’ve been stupid these past months.

it’s amazing how this world could make you feel ecstatic at one time, and depressed the second you realized you’ve been feeling ‘more than happy’.  and then you couldn’t bring back the time (how i wish i could). all you have are broken pieces, tangling strands of hopeful memories.

then maybe it’s true that the love we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest. then maybe love is a mental illness, but a pleasurable one. it’s a drug. it distorts reality, and that’s teh point of it. it would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

believe me, i’ve been through it. it’s the same feeling when you suddenly find out that you’re in love with a married man.

if i want god to laugh, then the most effective way is to tell him that, finally, I AM IN LOVE.

it seems funny though, that i am ‘terribly’ in love with myself. this, i think, happens when paranoia is living inside you, that though you seek for someone, you ended up having only yourself. pitiful. pathetic. yet, is there any other resort?

someday, there will be. then, i would stop loving myself for somebody (i know) could do that way better than me.

I want somebody to share…share the rest of my life..share my innermost thoughts..know my intimate details…

Someone who’ll stand by my side, and give me support..and in return return, he’ll get my support..

He will listen to me when i want to speak about the world we live in, and life in general. Though my views may be wrong; they may even be perverted. He’ll hear me out, and won’t easily be converted to my way of thinking. In fact, he’ll often disagree. But at the end of it all, he will understand me..

I want somebody who cares for me passionately — with every thought and with every breath…

Someone who’ll help me see things in a different light… All the things I detest, I will almost like..

I don’t want to be tied to anyon’es  strings.. I’m carefully trying to steer clear of those things…

But when I’m asleep, I want somebody who will put around his arms around me and kiss me tenderly… Though things like this make me sick. In a case like this, I’ll get away with it…

What i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who i need is soembody who will eat up my time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

But then, WHO would that be? Could there be someone out there who is even more willing to share such addiction with me?

There are really times that you feel all alone and you clamour for someone who would think rational even if you’re being ridiculous. Someone who talks sense…someone who would never think that you look like shit because of that stupid black-rimmed glasses. Somebody who would think that even if you’re four-eyed, you’re still beautiful.

But then who would that be?

The feeling seems like you’re being trapped inside a lovely shell — you are contented with the li’l things you own, yet you know deep inside that you still want SOMETHING, or maybe, just maybe, SOMEONE. Since it is a lovely shell, you are afraid to get out of it and explore. You get frustrated yet you can’t do anything with your own frustrations. Then later on, these frustrations eat you up. They OWN you.

I hope i could find someone unknowable. Maybe that person is in a place that is not in a map. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank.

Being alone inside this lovely yet dark shell makes me feel a worthless piece of vermin. I hope somebody would get me out of here. Yes, i am afraid to be hurt and leave this lovely yet suffocating shell.

Can you get me out of here, anyone? Besides, i don’t want to die without a few scars.

if this is supposed to happen, then be it. i really never thought we will end up like this after all that we’ve gone through since high school. i admit that i felt real bad, but what can i do? tell me.

you used to say that the friendship still remains, no matter what. but look what you’ve done. you’ve ruined everything!people really change, and what’s really frustrating is you couldn’t find a single rational thinking why it has to happen.

if you hate me (i really don’t know why), then let me HATE you too. you got a friend in me, but the thing is, i’m your worst enemy. you just don’t know how cruel i really am.

i’ll see you maybe this summer. then, we’ll see where this "friendship" will go. if this has to end, then be it. you’re not the only person in the world for chrissake; i could find better friends just waiting for me out there…

==We are born and only later awaken to the possibilities of our lives. Our brains come first, then our minds grow within them. In this awakening process, we come to realize that an external world exists, and operates by consistent principles. If at that point we decide that we like being alive, we change our values to encourage the life process that produced us.==

i should have met Friedreich Nietzsche. i should have found my soulmate. in a world where everything is baseless and nothing is ever known, i should have found the person who would better understand me. Call it radical skeptism, yes. but can you blame me?! can you show me and make me believe that everything isn’t bullshit?!

breathe…

everything is illusion. nobody, nothing really exists. "mankind" is doomed into unbecoming. if you think that you’re real, then think again. it takes much contemplation to realize the truth.

breathe…

we all live to die. and if that’s the case, then why LIVE?! yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are all left alone. the GOD we have created in our minds barely sees us. He even wants us dead. most importantly, GOD IS DEAD. the psychos would rule the world. a paradise is then created…

i admire addicts. in a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He’s taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise…

our real discoveries came from chaos, from going to the place taht looks wrong and stupid and foolish…

love is bullshit. emotion is bullshit. i am a rock. a jerk. i’m an uncaring asshole and is proud of it…

all God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. we must never, ever be boring…

where would jesus be if no one had written the gospels?…

i want to work in a funeral home to feel good about myself, just the fact that i am breathing…

what we call chaos are just patterns we haven’t recognized. what we call random are just patterns we can’t decipher. what we can’t understand we call nonsense. what we can’t read we call gibberish. there is no freewill. there are no variables. there is only the inevitable…